Zaphod for President

Videos like this make me feel sorry for Mitt Romney:

You people are shitting me, right? We’re going to mock Romney for having a “bizarre religion”? I don’t know about you, but my penis was ritually attacked when I was a week old. Compared to that, believing Israel belongs in Missouri sounds outright tame to me.

Don’t get me wrong: I am no fan of mormonism. As best I can tell, it was invented circa 1850 as a political tool; the goal of which was to justify the continued conquest of Native Americans, and the eventual domestication of those allegedly inferior races. But that’s a discussion for another day- my only point is that all religions are nutty if you know the facts. Mocking one over another makes no sense at all. God and me is tight; it’s the fan clubs that get on my nerves.

I promised to find something good to say about these guys, so here it is: According to the Interwebs, Mitt Romney’s brilliant management saved the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympic Games. The legend goes like this: once upon a time there was a boy born among the mormons with excellent hair. He was a natural in regards to smiling and looking important. Every day he would stare at himself in the mirror for hours, dreaming of the day he would earn his Paulie Gualtieri wings and run for President. And when that day finally arrived, America had fallen into such a state of chaos that he actually had a shot-in-hell of winning.

So sayeth the prophet Zaphod: all praise be unto him.

And now for the A-B-C’s of what this Republican Candidate, in the year 2007, believes about his world:

A is for Abortion
Sez Romney: it will be a good day for America when Roe v. Wade is repealed. Sez Romney, about a week later: he is personally pro-life, but government should not intrude.

…and somewhere in Kentucky a 400-pound Walmart greeter clutches his chest and begins to sweat with rage…

B is for Brown People
Sez Romney: 1…2…3…what are we fighting for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn. The next stop is the State of Iran.

…and somewhere in Iowa the championship football team plays grab-ass and celebrates the day- that glorious day- when they too can become IED fodder…

C is for Capitalism
Sez Romney: do you have any idea how many favors I owe my buddies back at Bain Capital? Time to buy gold, you sorry mother fuckers: I’m gonna show you bastards how we “freaky mormons” handle a “pump and dump”.

…and on a Yacht in the middle of an ocean Allen Greenspan checks his e-Trade balance while dreaming of the days when he still had a soul…

But hey- not all is lost- Mitt Romney “believes” in evolution, and has even watched a few Discovery Times documentaries about it.

…and somewhere in an office building, a lifelong Republican unable to break himself away from this abusive relationship bows his head in a silent prayer to his 401k…

God Bless America! So help me God, that’s as nice as I can be about this guy.

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