Zaphod for President

Disclaimer: back in 2000, I was a big fan of John McCain. Then he lost to Bush. And then he lost his fucking mind. The dog is down, and I’m about to kick. You have been fairly warned. Oh Johnny McCain, how low the mighty have fallen!

Is it possible that John McCain is a secret fan of Internet videos?

I am at a loss for words. John McCain has already become a complete parody of himself. Really, it’s not even funny anymore, it’s just sorta sad. At this point, using satire against the likes of John McCain is like wrestling Jello; a messy, and ultimately futile, endeavor.

Time to review our A-B-C’s.

A is for Abortion
Seven years ago, John McCain was a clear-headed moderate with a reasonable approach to abortion- stay the hell out of it. He’s been sliding ever right-ward ever since.

B is for Brown People
John McCain is willing to support the War in Iraq until he is the last man standing. Is he trying to win a blinking contest against Islamic fundamentalists, or simply a cranky old man?

C is for Capitalism
Pro-NAFTA, pro-GATT, pro-MFN, pro-Fast Track, pro-exporting American jobs while importing illegal immigrants in a desperate bid to eradicate the middle class and plunge wages as low as possible before a complete collapse of the Federal Reserve system. In summary, typical post-Reagan Republican.

I’ve promised to say something good, here it is:

John McCain has balls. Not only did John McCain serve in the Vietnam War, he survived six years in a Vietcong torture prison, and actually refused an earlier release based on his political connections (his dad was the Commander-in-Chief of the Pacific Command). John McCain took it like a man. Truly, one of the few men who qualify as a genuine hero.

So why such hatred for this guy? Simple: McCain was one of the loudest critics regarding the use of torture against alleged terrorists being held in U.S. custody at Abu Ghraib and elsewhere. After a few weeks of the mass media story-du-jour merry-go-round McCain and Bush were able to agree on a torture ban.

So what’s the big deal? McCain stopped the torture, right?

No. As a matter of fact, John McCain, long-term Vietcong prisoner and all-American war hero, decided it would be more politically advantageous in our post-”24″ world to condone it instead.

Let’s try it another way- waterboarding. This is the jolly practice whereby you are tied down, and water is slowly poured over your face, allowing you to simulate the euphoria of drowning. This is torture. Torture is bad. If I have to explain to you why torture is bad, I can only pray that you do not have, and will not create more, children.

Still with me? Anti-torture bill passed in 2005. Note the 5. Follow me now. In 2006, ABC breaks the story that the CIA is still authorizing the use of waterboarding.

I understand this issue has become spun in all directions. Let’s recap this again, using only the simplest possible terms.

• Torture = Bad
• Waterboarding = Torture
• 2005 = McCain anti-torture bill
• 2006 = CIA still waterboarding people
• Anti-torture bill = bullshit
• McCain = another brilliant Republican turned neocon sell-out

Bonus Question: Why is torture bad?

If you do not know the answer to this question, please go pray or meditate until you do.

Hungry for more?

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