Zaphod for President

Fourty-five members of Congress have written a non-binding letter to the DEA [PDF] urging them to comply with the February 12,2007 opinion and recommended ruling that private production of marijuana is “in the interest of the public”.

I proudly note the good Dr. Paul’s signature on page two.

I smoke about one ounce of cannabis every month. This has been the tradition of my Navajo forefathers since long before Jesus Christ was born to this Earth. I have a 1st-Amendment right to the freedom of this religious expression, but more importantly, a fundamental ideology that says I can do with my body whatever I so please, so long as it does not infringe on the rights of others (for example: driving while high is not acceptable).

I purchase most of my cannabis from upper-middle class white people who also work regular jobs and live in normal local communities. Their neighbors do not oppose this practice; most of their neighbors also smoke cannabis. Before moving to Florida my primary dealer was a very well-to-do stock broker whom most would suspect as a straight-laced go-getter. When I was still in high school, I took my weed from my father, a prominent collections attorney.

I have several objections to the current “Marijuana Market”:

• Prices are artificially high. Twenty tobacco cigarettes cost me about $2.50; an equal amount of marijuana will cost me about $100.

• As a black-market commodity, my normal rights as an American consumer do not apply to marijuana purchases, forcing me to “take the law into my own hands” to resolve disputes. Thankfully, the true free-market anarcho-capitalism of the marijuana industry provides a remarkably consistent product at an especially stable price, however, occasional disputes are inevitable. Wouldn’t we see less crime if such disputes could be handled in a small-claims court, as opposed to a dark alley?

• As a black-market commodity, purchases of marijuana may go to support various unscrupulous characters such as local thugs, gangsters and mobsters. My personal “stash” comes from local farms, free of such corruption. However, the profits generated by illegal drugs attract all sorts of ugly people to the table (see also: prohibition). The best way to deal with these goons is to remove the profit incentive, and the easiest way to do that is to increase supply, rather than engage a futile “war” to exterminate a wild-growing plant.

I can say with confidence that society would remain unaffected by the legalization of marijuana. Most of those who currently smoke marijuana continue to engage in polite society without their neighbors being any the wiser. I would expect a brief surge in use following legalization, coupled with a surge in tourism, but I would not expect this spike in usage to continue beyond six months.

Furthermore, as far as children are concerned, legalizing marijuana is the only hope you have of curbing underage use- dealers don’t check ids, Seven-Elevens do. In all honesty, I would expect underage use, legal or illegal, to be a wash. Just as kids continue to smoke tobacco and drink alcohol, they will continue to smoke weed. However, with legal weed, there will be at least some semblance of oversight in regards to the quality control of the product. Case in point: what are they smoking now? Has it been laced with anything? If they’re going to smoke it anyway, wouldn’t you prefer the FDA, or some private weed-rating institution, take a look first? I would.

Given the chance, I would plant about a dozen marijuana plants in my backyard. I live in a climate in which these plants naturally thrive, which is exactly why supply remains plentiful despite any actions of the DEA. I would not sell or distribute the fruits of my labors to anyone, but I would be happy to share a joint with you whenever you stopped by. The only reason I would prefer a full dozen marijuana plants is because I expect a few will die. After all, I’ve never grown weed before, and I expect to make a few mistakes while learning the nuances of it.

Whether I plant these plants myself, or purchase them from the closet of some anonymous cube-dweller, they will continue to grow. As Ian Malcolm (a.k.a. Jeff Goldblum) once said: life will find a way.

Here’s a radical thought: I expect I may spend upwards of $5,000 on cannabis this year, encouraging large profits by those willing to risk the tyranny of the DEA. Those large profits will not be taxed, furthermore, vast resources will be devoted to stopping this process, creating yet another demand on our already unbalanced Federal budget. As-is, pot has become a major drain on the economy.

A better way: enact a simple per-plant marijuana tax, with all proceeds managed by local governments and directed to public education. I can smoke weed, the DEA can be resigned (thus saving 2.4 BILLION dollars of taxpayer money, every year) and the local elementary school can afford a new swimming pool. It’s win-win, baby.

Consider your alternative: I will most likely be arrested someday for smoking marijuana. Best case scenario: I will force the matter to trial, and eventually win my case based on the strong legal precedent of Navajo ancestry and the 1st Amendment. In the process, taxpayers will be forced to pay tens of thousands of dollars for the time and resources of the local police and prosecutor. After winning, I will sue those involved in my unlawful arrest and force a cash settlement from the city; another expense for my law-abiding, taxpayer neighbors. Worst case scenario: I lose my case, and taxpayers spend at least $14,500 per year as I sit in jail smoking weed.

Perhaps you are thinking: “What this guy needs is to get busted. He’ll get his act together real quick.” Sadly, my history would disagree with you. I have been to jail before, and I fully expect to go back someday. Worse still: I would argue it “builds character”. It most certainly builds empathy.

No, I think that those of you opposing the legalization of marijuana are the ones who ought to spend a night in jail- with a normal American citizen convicted under the archaic and unconstitutional drug laws we currently have. Witness the destruction of a perfectly productive member of society, simply because they enjoy feeling dizzy now and again, and dislike the products of the alcohol lobby. Perhaps then you will understand the futility, and tyranny, of your cause.

Hungry for more?

• Election 08
• Drugs