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Beating our enemies
Yes, we can defeat our enemies without firing a single shot. Not only can we beat our enemies senseless but we can profit enormously. But wait there is more…. without sacrificing a single American life! How? Very simple, it’s called trade or better yet free trade. No, not managed trade or the formation of obscure trading blocs like the European or North American Unions.
America should pummel “petty dictatorships” like those in Caracas and Tehran by “shocking & awing” them. No, I don’t mean a series of air strikes or commando raids. Imagine if congress unilaterally decided to open up the American market to both Iran & Venezuela. Call it the “American borrower, consumer and solider protection Act of 2008.”
The text could read as follows:
“All good and services emanating from the Islamic Republic of Iran or the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela shall be permitted to enter the United States of America duty free.”
I know what you’re thinking. This would embolden those despotic regimes and create a volley of propaganda originating from those quarters of the Earth. It could signal America’s defeat…. at doing what? Toppling those countries? Not exactly.
A closer look will reveal that both of these nations have billions of barrels of oil. Currently, the United States doesn’t import petroleum from Iran, but the Europeans and most certainly the Chinese do. Just think about this logically, if the Europeans join our embargo against Iran due to Nuclear issues among others, what will happen to the price at the pump? It will INCREASE. Why? The harsh rhetoric and the drumbeat of war will put upward pressure on the commodity.
You would think that less oil in circulation would be the major motivation for the price going up. Wrong. The Chinese would be all too eager to snap up the oil not purchased by the Europeans. The Iranians will always have someone to sell their oil to unless there was a global sanctions regime in place.
The problem is demand. The demand is high and growing. Part of the price at the pump is the “rhetoric tax.” One of the reasons that Chavez and Ahmadinejad say outlandish things is because they’re both smart like foxes. No not Fox News, but similar, you see, they know that when they “scare” the world, they drive up the price and in essence give themselves a pay raise.
Let’s diffuse their empty threats. Who are they going to hate if we trade with them? Will they mad mouth their customers? If they do who cares, we’ll be getting their oil for little green slips of paper that are backed by…… Alright, and what exactly will these countries do with billions of dollars from the sale of their oil to us? Gee I donno, maybe they’ll buy our U.S treasury bonds like those brilliant Chinese and Arab financiers.
On top of giving us their oil WITHOUT a fight, we could probably hoodwink both despots into financing our deficits. The U.S taxpayer will save due to the LACK of additional war, less taxes will be needed as Iranians & Venezuelans will buy our debt (let’s be real, we’ll keep printing money and borrowing) and American consumers will have more access to more of the world’s oil, in theory prices will DROP until demand perks back up. This means that the American consumer’s purchasing power will increase.
But wait, there is much more, if new foreigners start buying our bonds, interest rates will fall (you’ll get to refinance your home for the 7th time and get even deeper into debt) and the Dollar will start to appreciate in value. Afraid that some big oil companies will get mad? Don’t worry. They can borrow more money at lower rates to drill and explore in both Iran & Venezuela, sure those countries have State Monopolies, but I’m sure they know how to hire lobbyists, so let them!
Exxon and Haliburton should have MORE lobbyist. Just more of them in other parts of the world. Alright, but the defense companies will be hurt? I know my heart is breaking. Never fear, remember Iran & Venezuela are still dictatorships, they’ll need to buy weapons, but from who? Gee, our defense companies can arm them to the teeth, think about the jobs that will be created.
You might think that Iran & Venezuela may NOT want to buy more weapons if they no longer had serious enemies. Remember, they are dictatorships, but if for whatever reason, they chose not to increase their military, wouldn’t we win on that point again?
With any luck, “decadent” American culture can infiltrate those countries, to the point where the youth become so consumerist, disenfranchised, dumb, impressionable and whatever other bad cliche you can think up, that when it becomes their time to rule, America will have newfound natural allies.
I will gladly accept my Noble Peace Prize now… I could use the Million Dollars for a very special project, to quote the Simpsons/Sinatra, “South of the Border, down Mexico way…”
Hungry for more?
Zing!