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How I Framed Jammie Thomas
I have hated Jammie Thomas ever since she refused to loan me a quarter, so that I might buy a chocolate milk, back in the 3rd grade. Like all worthy lunatics, I allowed this pointless hatred to fester into an irrational obsession. After years of quietly stalking her, I executed the most brilliant revenge in the history of antisocial disorders.
I parked outside her home, laptop in hand, cold Mountain Dew in the cup holder. I followed this step-by-step guide to break into her “secured” WiFi network. Once connected, I used a packet sniffer to grab all data going between the wireless router and Jammie Thomas’ PC. After about an hour I had what I needed, so I went home.
Once home, I setup a brute-force script to systematically decrypt all the SSL packets I grabbed. This was achieved by a few lines of code; generate a random SSL key, decrypt by that key, and look for a packet addressed to either Gmail or Hotmail. It took a few hours, but eventually, I had what I was looking for. Like any brute force attack on local data- it was only a matter of time.
What was in those packets? Jammie Thomas’ username and password for her free online email account. This was the score I was looking for. I grabbed a fresh Mountain Dew, and drove back to my previous stakeout position.
Once again I connected to Jammie Thomas’ WiFi network. I pulled up my own web browser, and immediately popped over to KaZaa. I then created a new account, using the same username and password I had just stolen. I then proceeded seed my entire MP3 collection through my new KaZaa setup.
Eventually, the RIAA noticed what I had done. They saw copyrighted MP3 files being seeded from Jammie Thomas’ IP address. This was enough to start the subpoenas. They soon discovered that this same IP address had used a KaZaa account with the same username and password as Jammie’s free online email account. It was a perfect crime: Jammie was taken to court on this evidence, all of which I had planted myself. Just as I predicted, she was fined $220,000 in a judgment provided by 12 techno-illiterate Americans who had no idea that people like me exist, much less the power we can wield over the general population.
Why did I frame Jammie Thomas? I didn’t. As a matter of fact, I’ve never met her. But I did just donate a few bucks to her appeal, and I hope you will too.
If this judgment is allowed to stand, the RIAA will continue to use strong-arm legal tactics to bully those unable to afford a good defense attorney. Jammie Thomas is the first person with the courage to challenge these accusations; most victims settle out of court for a few thousand. They pay tribute to the RIAA gladly. Why? Because a $220,000 judgment is enough to bankrupt almost anyone. However, paying tribute to bullies is a shameful form of justice. It is simply not the American way.
Furthermore, as I’ve already explained, these technologies are not perfect. Even those billed as “secure” can be easily exploited, manipulated, and outright hacked for a variety of dastardly deeds. To trust an IP address as evidence of identity is ludicrous. If I were interested in committing a computer crime, I would route myself through a proxy- leaving law enforcement with a red herring, totally bogus, IP address. Perhaps an IP address currently assigned to a law-abiding citizen. To trust the credentials of a free online email service as evidence of identity is even more ludicrous. Hotmail may be the least secure system ever written. Consider this: I do this for a living, and yet, even I have lost a few Hotmail addresses to Chinese spambots.
I hope that Jammie Thomas will win on appeal, and that her attorney will bring forth this plethora of available technical evidence, any of which would completely undermine the RIAA’s argument.
In closing, consider this: you aren’t going to catch me downloading copyrighted materials to my IP address. I’m too much trouble. Not only do I know the technical games you use, but I understand the legal games also. No, you will continue to prey on slow college students who can barely install a program, much less write one.
And yet, as best I can tell, I am your arch nemesis. So why not face me then? Why not send a DMCA takedown notice to my webhost? After all, not only have I copied a handful of copyrighted materials, I have made them available on this very website. So come get some. And until you do, remember that I will continue to work the night away, quietly undermining all efforts that reduce the rights of the American consumer.
Hungry for more?
