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Today’s Rant: Vacation 2008
Regular readers of this blog may have noticed my recent absence. The sweet summer sun had been taunting me for weeks, and I that felt a prolonged road trip was the best solution. I have now returned from an exhausting two week odyssey, and a significant amount of introspection.
Those who know me personally are already aware of the strained relationship I have shared with my family for the past decade or so. Despite this, Mrs. Zaphod and I spent the majority of this past vacation visiting with family. I will now amuse myself by chronicling a few of my most relevant thoughts; feel free to switch over to some porn, or, if you prefer, help yourself to my twisted psyche:
Lesson #1: If you are still holding a grudge, get the fuck over it already
When I was 17, I left home in a brilliant orgy of threats and hatred. This hatred, albeit it somewhat difficult for some to understand, has fueled my neurotic over-achiever personality ever since. To be clear: I do not hate myself, nor do I hate my family; this form of hate is not nearly so directed, but rather, a vague, omnipresent energy. When I found myself dragging, or hiding from email, or stuck in a game of Civilization 4 even though I had work I should have been doing, I would imagine myself as an angry 17 year old again, and promise myself that I would show them- I would show them ALL!. I would then annoy myself with a short rant to and/or about people long dead, and find myself charged full of manic energy yet again. Like refueling a car, except with the threat of stroke in lieu of 4 dollars per gallon.
And yet, after about a week, I have remembered why I loved these people in the first place. For the first time in a decade, rather than view my family as an obligation, I considered it a luxury. Everyone involved had fun, and that’s what matters most in this life.
My advice to anyone holding a grudge, as I did: get over it. The longer you go without communication, the worse your mind will make these phantoms appear to you. After 5 years, my minds eye had turned my father into a bizarre hybrid of Montgomery Burns and Tony Soprano. After 5 minutes, I saw him for what he was: an old man who wanted some fudge. Does he have faults? Hell yes. But none so evil as those I had imagined myself.
Lesson #2: Stay the hell away from babies (unless you want one)
When I was in 2nd grade, I followed my friend Jon home from school one day to a mutual friend’s house. This friend had just received his NES, and was enjoying a game of Super Mario Bros. when we arrived. After 5 minutes with that game, I felt a burning desire to have my own NES unlike anything I had ever felt before. Not jealousy, but an intense knowledge that this was exactly what my life had been missing.
Holding my seven month old niece and nephew for the first time, I felt the same way. I’m not ready for kids. Even if I was, I can’t afford them right now. But I felt it, and Mrs. Zaphod felt it too. Moments like that remove any doubt I might have as to my simian ancestry. Everything about newborn babies is primordial, which is probably why people like them as much as they do.
Lesson #3: America is Beautiful and we are spoiled rotten
Both my dad and uncle spent part of the trip describing life in India, where both have been hard at work offshoring the jobs of red-blooded Americans to dirty foreigners these past few years. India is significantly smaller than the United States, and yet, has a population three times as big. As a result, everywhere in India is crowded.
Driving through the Georgia plantations, and Carolina tobacco farms, and over the vast 22-mile long Chesapeake Bay bridge/tunnel, and sitting aboard the Ferry en route to Deleware, and all the way to the wetlands of southern New Jersey, just 15 minutes away from Atlantic City, I couldn’t help but smile in awe. Ours is a beautiful land, with plenty of “personal space” for all.
We are all very lucky to live here.
Also: flying is for suckers, road trips are Americana 101, and I am in desperate need of a long-range (2000+ miles) electric and/or hydrogen powered car.
Lesson #4: Listen more, talk less
Nuff said.
Lesson #5: Life will provide enough challenge
For those afraid to embrace lesson #1, afraid that without hatred they might fall into an abyss of apathy and outrageous contentment, have no fear- life will provide enough motivation for you- you do not need to invent your own.
Epilogue:
After a week in Atlantic City, we headed south, via ferry and bridge and sun-soaked highways. We went out to eat, and ate well. Lots of sex, lots of drinking, lots of sleeping- and NO computer. It was exactly what I needed.
But then, at approximately 2:23 pm, while sipping a scotch and enjoying a jacuzzi bath, my intuition struck me that I was needed at home.
In my absence, a water heater, located in my garage, a garage I just recently renovated, a garage filled with all of my tools, exploded. Hot water began flooding into the room, a room sealed by doors locked and closed. By the time we arrived, the room was a sauna. The ceiling was dripping with condensation, as if it were a rainforest exhibit at the zoo. Everything metal (hint: tools are metal) had rusted. The doors, already pieces of shit, were warped and covered with puffy white fuzz, and stank of mold. Simply stated: this sucks.
And so- I have plenty of motivation. So much so that I do not miss the cloud of hatred that I seem to have left somewhere in New Jersey (where clouds of hatred belong).
And, in case you are tempted to feel sorry- don’t bother! I had been looking for an excuse to buy a new lawnmower for some time now, and I did. And the lawn looks great. And the new water heater gets installed tomorrow. And the new doors should be installed by the end of summer.
A phoenix, rising out of the ashes.
Or as my paw taught me: that which does not kill me makes me stronger.
Hungry for more?
