Zaphod for President

My political enemies are quick to tell you that I am an unstable psychopath with no relevant credentials, and no valid reason to be your President. To this I say: true, however, this has never stopped anyone from becoming our President before, why should it matter now?

I believe that all people are equally terrible. Therefore, we are all equally unqualified to invent the rules that govern the lives of each other.

I believe in freedom. Therefore, I expect that an endless series of increasingly terrible things are sure to happen to us.

I believe in truth. Therefore, I waste my time reading and repeating the lies and memes spinning about the Interwebs. I consider Wikipedia a valid source, when not busy vandalizing articles.

I believe in transparency. Therefore, I write using a pseudonym and remain incredibly sketchy with the details of my own real life. I also enjoy violating the privacy of public figures as often as possible.

I believe in peace. Therefore, I spend my rare moments of free time playing with complex computer simulations of war.

I believe in dissent. Therefore, I will never ban a user or censor comments. The only time I get involved is when the spammers get involved.

I believe in cartoons. Therefore, I will do my best to post relevant, insightful, and absurd cartoons on a regular basis.

I believe in music. Therefore, I will do my best to invent new and creative ways to undermine the efforts of the RIAA.

I believe in film. Therefore, I will do my best to spread the best Internet videos I can find, and bring as much attention as I can to these truly independent filmmakers.

I believe that humanity is most-likely screwed. I also believe in the underdog. Therefore, I’m not giving up, and I will continue to not give up long after it has become too late to do anything useful about it.

I believe in America. Even with all its faults, its insanity, its corruption, tyranny and outright evil, it is the land I am proud to call home.

I believe in you. I believe you and I are essentially the same compound of mass and energy, most likely evolved from bonobo chimps, and that we are equally worthless. I love you, and want only the best for you and your loved ones. I believe in your right to disagree with me, to hate me, and to wish for bad things to happen to me. Despite this, I hope you can see that we are allies, and will remain so no matter how much bile you might spit at me.

I believe the Internet is fueled by hate. That’s probably why I love it as much as I do.

God Bless America- even if God is dead, or a flying spaghetti monster.

Land of the free, home of the brave, til death do we part.